I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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