I think my fart just growled at me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
