"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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