connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
