i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Randomize
