I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
