oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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