Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
What a dumb baby whore.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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