This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
