Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
