foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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