My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
