god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
