just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
