i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
