Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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