i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize