Grow some girl-balls and come out already
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
