isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
