I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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