we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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