He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize