Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
