Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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