I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
