I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
