is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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