My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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