im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
