Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
