the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
