i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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