Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
