im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
