You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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