Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
