Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize