i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
