He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
