how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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