census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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