last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
