Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
