I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
