things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
