So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
