dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize