This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize