So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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