I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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