So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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