I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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