You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
