i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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