why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
