six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
