i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
