hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
