I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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