Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
