im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize