people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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