no, he came in my armpit
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
