she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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