dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
