My hand turned me down
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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