Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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