i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize