You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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