yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
